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The Dark Night of A Creative Soul

The dark night of the soul, an intensely challenging and painful period in one's life, is often a journey of self-discovery. For me, the realization struck on October 22, 2022, as I delved into 15 years of journaling. What unfolded before me was a narrative of self-denial, of molding myself to fit societal norms, and the profound impact it had on my creative spirit.

Shrinking my character to be as normal as everybody else:

In the culturally assimilative environment of France, I, an introvert by nature, donned a facade of extraversion to blend in. However, my efforts were futile. At home, Wolof Senegalese was spoken, and my Arabic first name stood as a constant reminder of my uniqueness, making the struggle to fit in even more poignant.

Lonely Brushes and Unspoken Colors: Navigating the Silence of Unexpressed Creativity: Not able to form real friendships because I wanted to be a creative person

Yearning to express my creativity, I found myself unable to form genuine connections. The fear of judgment and rejection stifled my authenticity, leaving me isolated in a crowd yearning for understanding.

The Struggle for Emotional Connection Amidst the Stoicism:

Dreaming of friendships akin to those found in manga, I faced a stark reality. The lack of emotional intelligence subjected me to social campaigns, and the belief that everyone inherently knew right from wrong only added to my isolation.

Gypsy Dreams in a Corporate World - The Unsettling Dissonance of Suppressing True Desires: Not being my true self causes anxiety and sickness inside my body

Suppressing my true desires, I unwittingly fueled anxiety and physical ailments. Despite convincing my dad to let me travel alone at 16, I craved a life akin to that of gypsy people, yet I kept denying myself this authenticity.

Inheriting Shadows -The Silent Burden of Triggering Others' Demons in Conformity:

Picking the wrong environment almost destroyed my ''Your spirit will trigger some people's demons''

Conforming to environments that did not embrace my true self led to the inadvertent inheritance of others' demons. Despite my attempts to assimilate, my spirit remained unsettling to those unwilling to confront their own shadows.

Journaling Through Grief - A Therapeutic Odyssey to Reclaiming Lost Years:

The realization that I had wasted my youth with people who did not support or truly care for me was a painful revelation. Over a decade of journaling became a therapeutic outlet for processing these emotions and finding a path toward self-discovery and healing.

In the reflection of 15 years, I've come to understand the immense cost of not being true to oneself. It is a painful journey but a necessary one. To quote an anonymous source, "If you stay in an environment where people don't recognize the value of you, you will shrink your gift to the size of what they can stand." May this serve as a reminder to embrace our true selves and not let the darkness overshadow the brilliance within.

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